Tomorrow

What an amazing week. I felt better than ever. Exercise, yoga, and massage have helped in that regard. And yet tonight I had a feeling of trepidation as I head into tomorrows therapy. On-line research is never the correct path when in this mode. When faced with health issues, and major ones at that, the internet, while an amazing source of information, can also cause sudden and unexpected panic attracts on reading some of the multitude of articles out there that are, well to say it lightly, not leaning to the positive side. Must find the strength somewhere, off-line! LIVE WELL, and GET OFF LINE!

OPEN

If there is one trait that I would want to have on a desert island, or one trait that I would want to have in a dire situation, in a life threatening situation, the answer would be simple: an open mind. Information is power, and having an open pipeline to information is the most important, life saving skill, one can possibly have. My wonderful western doctors who are part of a team and a plan that will save my life, and who simply don't know any better, told me it would be ok to go home and eat ice cream. I do not condemn nor judge them for what they say. It has political, medical, and scientific ramifications. And yet to me, I feel so bad for those who simply do follow this advice. Who start chemotherapy, without building the rest of the body to be able to hand that type of attack. Tonight I met an old friend, someone who I thought of really as a simply acquaintance, and yet tonight he showed me that he was more than that. "Call my step mom" he told me. "She was riddled with disease through her whole body in every crevice of her body and when the doctors told her to go home, that even chemo was not worth it, she said 'fuck it' and went on a diet that ended up eradicating every single spec of disease and to this day she is 100% clear." Our bodies need the fuel to fight off infection. Our bodies are our best friend if we treat it right. Our bodies are miracles that are designed to kick ass, to word off bad things, to allow us to run hard, and run long, but only with the proper fuel. I look forward to speaking to this persons mama tomorrow and hearing her inspirational story and what she did to save her life. If I pick up one thing to add to my regimen, great. An open mind to new things, to change, to modifications, to being better, to feeling better, to living a life worth something, to enjoying the ride. My two meetings were very interesting today. After I played tennis and met with friends for the first time in three months. It was incredible. We sat, laughed, watched the ocean, and chit chatted about silly things. I am so incredibly fortunate to have friends who all rallied to one location on the one night I decided to step out. What wonderful people, with love in their hearts, ready to provide inspiration, love, hugs, laughter. I can honestly say that tonight I feel incredibly luck to have taken meetings doing what I love, played a game that I loved, and then met people that I love and who love me. What is life if not that? Oh, and the birds that flew over the tennis court today were also amazing. Ok, big day tomorrow of acupuncture, doctors, and meditation class tomorrow night. The waves pounding against the sand sound amazing tonight. LIVE WELL

good news...freedom

I was relieved to find out that the treatment, and discipline in all other areas has paid off. Last scans show a considerable decrease in size of problem areas, though I am all too much aware that problem areas do still exist. The type of decrease that I experienced was a huge relief given my 60/40 odds in favor of not seeing any change at all. This is far from party time, but it is a magnificent battle victory which will help me to carry on my discipline and rough treatment, with a lot of hope of beating, what some term, unbeatable. Now, set in my regimen of morning oatmeal and occasional egg white, along with a vitamin/mineral cocktail, one gallon of 9.5PH water, one or two green drinks, a fermented wheat germ mix, veggie broth in between healthy meals, healing Chinese tea, acupuncture, and meditation classes, I have decided to bring some semblance of normalcy back to my world. Today I walked down to Patrick Road House by my place, and had a delicious egg white omlette and Acia Berry, Flax Seed, Oatmeal, before a walk along the beach, green drink at Earth Bar, and Yoga. I also took a few business calls regarding a new project which I have decided to work on, part-time, in between making my body strong for bi-weekly treatments. The fact of the matter is, I love what I do, and I am good when working with the right mindset, and while I remember that for the rest of my life I will live to live, and work because I love it, I can't live without continuing to carve away at my goals. There is a huge distinction there, and unless faced with what I am faced with, it is easy to fall in a lifetime trap of never being able to distinguish the two - a path I was headed down. But I am excited to take a few calls again, attend a meeting here and there, being able to place new found health, discipline, and integrity into it, excited to notice how things are different. I may be in treatment, but I have (and I say this with extreme humility for what I am facing is not easy by a long shot) utmost confidence that I will make it out of this situation in tact, and want a stable foundation so that my future will contain the same passion, but this time, the integrity and discipline, I lacked on the first go around. It's easy to say, and it's easy to write, and when faced with life or death, it's also easy to follow. Yet with these goals in tact, and the future there in front of me, how does one not just say they want to be and act a certain way, but also live it. How can the discipline, the lessons, the teachings, stay a part of every day life, in a world filled with so much temptation, when being lazy is so easy? It's a question I always asked as I knew what the righteous path was, while taking, in many cases, the easy way out. Now, unlike then, I believe my ability to manage my way out of this situation, is based on my current thoughts about how my future life will be led. This is so important and key. Intention, followed by action, but also action thought. I want the adventure, the freedom, the victory and the story and know only by seeing a life led with discipline and integrity for myself and those around me, will I get there. There is no other way, no way under or around this very important truth. Perhaps some may not need to face this, however I realize now, my sensitive soul, body, must pay attention to this inevitable truth. This means being cautious with other peoples hearts, loving as much as possible everyone I come into contact with, be it friend, or teacher. It means that when it would be easy to simply go to sleep, spending 15 minutes making the tea, and drinking it, remembering to grab the water bottle instead of settling or sitting idle by the T.V. saying to myself "it was a long day and I deserve a break." I say this because it is past 1AM right now and it would be so easy to go to sleep without my once a day healing tea. But when something works, you can't simply skip, or skimp, or let up. See, it's not about the tea, or missing one day, it's about a mindset, a discipline, a way, which though in my professional life I did lead, in my personal life, I was completely remiss. The tea may taste bitter, the yoga stretch may burn, the consistent water drinking may make long drives and movie theater experiences different, the deep breath when being cut off in traffic may not release the emotion desired, but I am certain that somewhere somehow, this way of life alters the way the world responds, not only emotionally, but chemically as well. I am already witnessing the changes in the world around me. It may be the treatment, it may be all else, but changes are taking place and while I do sense the world is in struggle right now, I also have a calm understanding, that what is happening now, is only making everyone stronger, wiser, more loving of family and having a better understanding of that which is important. We are, after many gluttonous years, learning to tighten our belts, to make wise decisions and think a little bit more about the next move. We may not end up as wealthy with material, we may need to take a permanent drop in luxury, and if so, we will be better off because of it. It is tough out there and only the strong and disciplined will survive. And this is what makes us as a population stronger as humankind moves forward. How else can we as a people, as people, move forward. Treatment #6 begins again for me in two days. I am looking forward to the pain, to the meditative state I must enter to endure it without allowing it to weaking my spirit or resolve. It's an interesting thing because as it works to treat the problem, it also weakens the whole of the body, it affects the mind, all of which play tricks on the psyche as cells are killed off and divided. "You're dying" it tell your body. "No, I am living an experience," I must remind myself. Living, living, living, living.... No pain, no gain, but pain is the gain, the experience and being able to accept that based on free will and a choice, is to me the very definition of freedom. This is how it becomes part of every day living. When accepting and loving the pain because you can, of doing the right thing not because it's easy, but because you can, well this is a freedom that only you will experience and is for no one elses benefit but your own. This is an amazing freedom, and thus far, this is one way I plan on achieving the mentality necesssary to make it out of this. LIVE WELL

The Raven

I have been remiss in adding to my blog due to a slight side effect of treatment. After a fairly moderate 4 treatments, treatment, and my condition decided to show me this is no joke, no light affair, and that this is not, and is not going to be easy. The incident happen one night after my fourth treatment, and I was to utilize the facility. What I didn't know, is that one of the extreme side effects of treatment, is constipation. So on this fateful Sunday evening, one day after the treatment ended, I sat down to do what we all do on a daily, or for some, bi-daily basis. Only in this case, that which normally happens, did not. And while the feeling of 'it' happening persisted, nothing, and i mean, nothing, was happening. This continued for approximately two hours, at which time I was going to ring for an ambulance, because I had mentally pinged myself as having what I believed was a serious block. About two hours in, I decided to try a glass of warm water... well, that provided the jolt necessary to get things rockin' and rollin' and what was produced was the largest hard stone/brick, that I have ever felt release or encountered in my life. My belly sucked inward and I truly felt as though my insides were going with all else. The feeling was likely akin to a woman giving birth, but worse. I for one, am now one man, who can with all earnest, say, that I 'understand that feeling.' A 'rip' and a 'tear' and WHAMMM, the gate was open and out came the longest, and largest waste product that I have ever seen out of any animal, wild, human, or otherwise. Though a fantastic releif to have been through, the damage had been done. My skin, due to treatment, becomes excesivly delicate to touch, heat, cold, etc. and so what may have been a regular old rip, tear, etc. to the lay person, to me became a an intense skin condition. The days to follow were worse than the event itself. Day after day, I would sweat beads and my heart would beat as if going into a battle zone, everytime the impulse to 'utilize' would come up. Mornings meant hell, because mornings ware my time. Hell, because each time was as if shards of glass were being poured into and out of me with an intense heat added to the mix. As I explained to the four doctors, western and otherwise, who I consulted to quickly figure out a solution to the misery, it was quite simply the worst physical pain, I had ever encountered. So much that thoughts of this new found condition were secondary, healing anything else became secondary as I obsessed over the 24/hour a day throbbing pain I experienced. But then, a week or so later, the daily battles stopped and the pain lessened from an easy 11, to a 5. Ok, so this is something new. A new experience. A new battle and a physical awakening to the true fight my body is dealing with. It woke me up, even more, and the energy and adrenaline that I produced to deal with it, shook me up and I decided that instead of fear in the morning, that I would relish the opportunity to expereince a daily pain, that I have never before known. I decided that each morning, this pain, will make me stronger in my fight for health, and my fight for life. Drinking straight garlic and Char was no longer as difficult I will tell you that. My body began to heal, and though it is a continuing saga, due to the fact that as I am about to heal, treatment begins which usually brings me back to the beginning, but I realize that I do have larger battles to fight, and thus what was once a large obsticle, is now a joke. Of all the pains to have... Like Ravens in a hurricane, these obstacles must be looked at from the vantage point of something fun, a new challenge to take on. With strength and will power to spare, for reasons still not completely clear, I have chosen this path to regain strength over my true self and what is to become of it. With laughter, and fun, and spirit, and intrigue the battle moves on. Still juicing, even after two plus months. Still eating oatmeal every day, now with added black berries, hemp seed and chia seeds. This new life of discipline, of going to bed on time, and of living with true integrity, is fascinating. The world that speaks to you when you speak your truth with your tongue, and yell secrets out loud, because you can and should, is a world without barriers. I realize now, that challenges are not always met with victory in every sense of the word, but that how we view these challenges can always be met with victory, depending on how we choose to view them, play with them, laugh at them, and step outside of them to observe them. As time marches forward, and all of us are now two plus months older than when I first started this blog, I for one take a moment every day to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself, that I will from here on out pledge to take care of my body/temple, and that I will do my part to accept the challenges ahead with the same wild abandon that The Raven does when it allows the hurricane winds to blow it thousands of feet up and down, releasing it's wings as it is flug around, only to grab a hold of it's fellow raven friend, and frolic in the challenges it is facing. Eventually the hurrican stops, and then normality sets in. I have never been one for normality. LIVE WELL

Session One Complete

Well, that wasn't so bad now was it? Four rounds down of intensive therapy designed to mutilate the negative cells in my body which for some odd reason felt they had a place to mutate within me. I don't think so! The first session is finalized which leaves another four more to go until we will truly be able to tell if we are beating this thing or not. This said, it's pretty clear to me that something is being beaten down. My blood count levels are back to normal again, which could signify an important stoppage of bleeding from one of the larger sites in my body - i.e. the one that gave our first glimpse that there may be a problem. This original bleeding, while good that it provided the first clues that there may be something wrong, is also what was depleting my body of good solid blood cells which are needed to fight off infection and other mutations that may occur in the body. We don't know for certain, however there is evidence to suggest that this is no longer bleeding. If this is the case, then it means the current treatment may be working. I was given a 20% shot of this current treatment actually working at all. Well, my partner in crime is frustrated because the "food delivery" guy couldn't find our location. It amazes me the things that people still get frustrated from. I wish I had the capacity to still get frustrated due to traffic, or food being late, or someone honking. The fact of the matter is that none of these things will ever be frustrations again. When your life is on the line, and your looking at 20/80 odds, thing like food being late is not a worry anymore. Non-the-less I must continue to live in a world where for the majority of people, the simple things like their nails not being done right, or a little traffic on the road is still a major catastrophe, and what's more interesting, is that I must find it in my heart to somehow empathize with these people. I wish I could impart my knowledge and my pain and my feelings onto everyone I know so that they could learn to appreciate every single moment as I do now, without frustration, angst or anxiety. Nothing, i realize, nothing is worth getting frustrated about. Ok, enough said, I am going to go walk into frustration zone because the food may be cooled off, or perhaps not just right. I will however keep my appreciation even for that moment, for being able to walk at all, to see, to smell, to cath a glimpse of the sunset. For human, is not easy, for anyone, and everyone deserves our compassion, our love. And when you feel it inside, it resonates outside. LIVE WELL

dust settled

Now that the dust has settled and the information is clear, more and more people are reaching out to provide their opinion on the subject, possible treatment options, etc. Some people seem to be extremely passionate about not going down certain treatment paths, while others are on the other side of the debate. All of this information being hurled my way has made for some interesting complications in my thought process and for the first time since news struck, I felt an intense feeling of fear, confusion and unsure which direction to head. I thought I was going down a good path, with good doctors, and a health routine sure to keep me healthy, at least in the short term. Though already experimenting with various methods of meditation and attaining clarity, this recent info storm has forced me to dedicate even more time and energy on clearing my mind, so that I may lead with my heart. It's something all of us know, and I have read and attempted countless time, mostly to some success, before hopping back on the mind wagon again. But this time it's different. This time, I have no choice but to really block out the minds confusion and lead myself with my heart into the direction that is going to see me through this. Frank Kinslows book, "Quantum Living" has been a useful guide in this pursuit. The simple truth is that our caveman mind and body's are not designed to handle the 24/hour a day information stimuli overdrive that most of us reside. I am confident my heart will lead me in the best direction possible and though it causes discomfort I do want to have all information be it passionate or otherwise, to increase my odds. It is now Monday and aside from a little digestive pain in the lower right side of my body, I feel well and am gearing myself up for treatment number three which starts in four days. Meanwhile, I will be working on meditation to help quell the fear discussion I find going on in my mind at times. ,It is another beautiful day today and I plan on making the most of it with a beach bike along the path. Speaking of which, yesterday, while I was reading my book, "Quantum Living," and admiring the Sunset at Westward Beach, I noticed a large group of seagulls surrounding me in a crescent shape. I had no food and nothing on me but a glass water bottle, there were hundreds of people on the beach, and seagulls were not getting close nor did they seem interested in anything I had. They were simply making a strong statement in the form of a crescent around me. I loved this sign and look for them every day as I place life's standard burdens to the side, in order to better pay attention to the world around me and signs it is providing. I do believe that we can change the way our body reacts to pain, and to health issues. I will continue to will myself healthy again, and I know with just a little attention to my issue, I can see it clear, paving the way for a new, self actualized person to emerge. I continue to view this as an opportunity to really deal with lingering emotional issues, and lead with my compassionate heart in a way I never knew possible. Breakfast today was oatmeal with bananas, lemon juice with my vitamins, and I am following it all up shortly with a delicious green made with macha, kale, spinach, and a shot of apple for flavor. LIVE WELL

Tea

This morning I awoke well rested and prepared to hit the day with full force. The day started with a bowl of oatmeal with fruit, lemon juice water with extra Vitamin D3 mixed in, and my traditional vitamin routine. Of course I was also to ingest my healing tea, which I had skipped the past two days while under treatment. The tea, so you know, is not exactly your average passion fruity ice tea, or Starbucks green tea. This is stuff is for lack of a better word, pretty horrific to take in. So much so that that my body naturally creates a gag reflex as I throw it down. So this morning, Veronica, my long time friend and someone who is helping to organize my place as I go through this healing time, was over and watched as I was about to take the tea down. After one gulp, I gagged as usual and looked down. "Look up" Veronica yelled as my face showed what I was going through. "Look up with strength" she cried, "only people with fear look down, and that ain't you" she told me. So after a few gulps, I couldn't stand it any more and I told Veronica I was finished, though there was at least a good gulp left. Veronica reminded me this exercise in tea drinking wasn't about taste, or tea, but about having the strength to follow through was is necessary to the end. I grabbed that cup and blasted through that last gulp as I looked up to the sky. With a shot of apple juice to wash away the taste, I was glad I followed through and didn't stop with one gulp left. When you fight for something, your life, or anything else you want, it's important to go all the way. It's a discipline and a way of being. Veronica then handed me two pieces of Trident Layers Strawberry gum which tasted like heaven. "After every cup, reward yourself with the succulent flavors of this gum." she told me. I am chewing the gum right now and it is delicious. LIVE WELL