LIFE

Well it's been over a year, and I'm still here. I just returned from Palm Springs where I played golf and enjoyed delicious food with friends. I am told by my doctor that my "tumor" cell count has gone up, despite being on chemotherapy. This could be bad news, or it could be no news at all. Today was spent inside the "tube" meaning I had a PET/CT done, but then returned to work, where I, yes, actually closed a finance deal on a film my partner and I are working on. That part is exciting, but going tomorrow to listen to results of this PET/CT are not as exciting. i am hopeful that good news will be sent my direction, and although a tad tired, here and there, I feel pretty darn good, but then again, I can tell my mind to feel anything, and it will usually adapt. I told it to tell the scans machine that I am healthy, perhaps it will listen. So tomorrow I will know if new, "more aggressive" treatments will need to be implemented, though I didn't know anything could be more aggressive than what I have already been through, wow! But I suppose on the bright side, there are new aggressive treatments that exist, and for that I suppose I am supposed to be thankful, in a strange surreal sort of way. Point being, it doesn't look as though cancer is killing me at this point, and for this I have nothing but to be extremely grateful for. Love You. Live Well

Bloggs

Almost one year since first finding out. I can't say it's been easy. I can say it's been interesting. After doing some research on the subject, I've come across many bloggs written by those unfortunate people in similar positions as myself. Most discuss alternative approaches aligned with traditional treatment, some seem to be in relatively fine spirits. I just started reading about this guys protocol for dealing with his colon C, and thought it was pretty solid. I kept reading, then all of a sudden came to the authors note: re: his memorial. How strange. He seemed to be stoked on his protocol, and yet there it was, one month after his last blogg, the infamous authors note. I suppose I won't be following his protocol after all. His occupations was nutritionist and author. He seemed like a great guy. I am now more certain my oncologists insistence on not going on insulin potentiated chemo at reduced dosage is indeed the right decision. I'm sorry my brother in arms that you thought otherwise. From one blogger to another, Rest In Peace Dude!

Never Give Up

Don't be concerned with what people say. Regardless of possibility, don't give up, don't give in, look life in the eye and say, I don't and I won't accept this as a reality. I'm in trouble, but I'm not out of the fight.

It Clicked

Sure, winning is great, and in some cases, mandatory in order to achieve a feeling of accomplishment. But sometimes, never giving up, fighting the best fight possible, is in itself winning, and for that matter, living. With this perspective, living isn't the art of surviving unscathed, and coming out of a dark situation, perfected, but rather winning, can be the mere act of continuing to fight, to battle. Everybody is fighting everyday for something, and it's in this fight, in our struggle to push through boundaries, or merely to live with ourselves on this terrestrial plane, that we as humans evolve and are able to take on the next level in the game of life. I understand now why my doctor said I must prepare for a lifetime battle, because with this disease, or not, I, just like everybody else, is in for a lifetime battle. Odds are good that I will never be rid of this disease, but I can't let that ever stop me from fighting it. And with this shift in perspective, tonight on my drive home on the 110 from a meeting, I lowered all my windows, blasted my music, sped past the beautiful downtown L.A. skyline, and finally in over a month of living in a 24 hour a day panic attack, was able to simply enjoy the moment, knowing that at that moment, not answering my cell phone, or thinking of disease, I was winning my freedom back again. Freedom I realized is a choice, a state of mind, not a physical barrier to overcome, and in that moment when it clicked, I was more alive than I had ever been. LIVE WELL

Dear World

Dear World -

This morning you provided me a partner filled with love, laughter, play, a beautiful smile peering at me with adoration, and eyes filled with joy. In the kitchen you provided me an amazing pineapple likely from far away shores, which I was able to cut into and feel nurtured by the succulent juices and healing enzymes. By afternoon you provided me a wonderful crisp day to Rollerblade down the bike path and admire other humans laughing, loving, contemplating, drinking, smoking, and in some cases, simply being. Thank you world, for despite this health burden which you have placed on the shoulders of myself, and my loved ones, I am certain you have a plan, and you know what you are doing, and in allowing me the strength to effortlessly blade down the bike path which I have known my whole life, you provided me leniency in my suffering, and how thankful that 7 months later, I was to able to be at it. Thank you world for the music of Mozart, Stravinsky, Tchaikovsky, and Phillip Glass. To hear their passion while sipping on your cocoa fueled ice beverage, surrounded by the fiery glow of numerous candles, while pushing the olfactory senses to the limit with yoga/mediation inspired Nag Champa incense, you allow me to be close to forgetting you could make any wrong move at all. Given such a rewarding day, I will promise you to move forward in the moment, free of fear, I will bless the stars, sip my last sip, and know that this moment is mine, free of pain, I have nothing but gratitude for it all. A conscious life, is the only one worth living. LIVE WELL

Wow

That was a hyper intense chemotherapy session that I just ended today. Going in for the first time in three months was not fun, but the pain in my liver had grown intense, and it was nice to know I was doing something about my recent elevated blood test results, and lesion growth. I truly don't believe I was able to follow my doctors advice of absolutely no stress, lot's of fun, and relaxation. Though my RAW food lifestyle was doing great, my meditations were essentially cut back, and I didn't go to Hypocrites Institute as I wanted to. I know i cant blame myself, but WOW, looking back at that opportunity, I realize I sure missed a few of the lessons. That may have been an opportunity of a lifetime, and all I did was simply, live a normal life. This time, things will be different. I have essentially quit a film project I was working on, and have decided my part time job, will now be to extend my life, research people who have survived, talk to new doctors, and get serious about meditation. This is my job right now, for better or worse. I have been tested, and if a solution on this planet exists, and as I told my doctor "I have to believe that one does." He doesn't want to see my expectations shattered time and time again. But people have survived this, and beaten the odds, and this must be my new job. At this point in time I am unsure exactly how I am going to go about doing it again. Acupuncture, meditation, massage, and relaxation sessions, will be the main points. i would like to find someone to help with this. And though it was a tough week (Wed, routine doctor appointment, Thursday call from doctor re: elevated blood, Fri., PET/CT Scan, Monday horrific results, Wed. back into chemo), I felt trapped in a box, in a reality that just doesn't seem right, fair, or even real. Thoughts of the worse ran through my head, jumping the car off a cliff would end this nightmare, but tonight, after unplugging the chemo from my chest, I realize, that despite the news, my doctors vision of my future, I must go on, I must keep fighting, I must fight harder, and that includes, learning how to quiet my mind. I have the love of my life by my side, we want to find a new place, start a family, and so despite the harsh reality that I face, the seemingly intensity and quick growing problem inside of me, I must must continue, and thank god I am coming to this realization tonight, because I'm not going anywhere without a fight. I know I ate a lot of sweet things, despite them being raw, I ate at random times, and I was pretty script, perhaps too much so given my position. There must be answers to these questions. Meanwhile, WOW, what a week, my my, thankful that I can breath a sigh of relief, knowing that I am back at the good fight, painful though it is. Finally starting to catch my breath here, so excuse me if I get going now, that was quite a dosey. Good night. LIVE WELL

News

The break was great but trouble has erupted. The tumors in liver are very much alive, they are lighting up a lot, and there are even more than before. What hope there was of surgery is now pretty much out the door, ie microscopic cancer is very much alive within my liver. Im scheduled for chemo again on Monday but am going to try and get in tomorrow. My girlfriend and I cried all night. All we want is to be together, to start a life, build a company and grow old together. This is all we want and we decided, that right now while no road exists, we will somehow create one and keep seeing a road. I cried because it's now obvious even with raw food, extensive juicing, and supplements, my doctor was right, and this colon c is not a joke. It is strong, powerful, fierce, and it wants to thrive. But our hope is that chemo works again, as it did last time. This time we go into treatment with optimism and excitement that it adds time to our journey together. Yes, it will be painful for those three days, and I will be in pain, mentally and physically, but we will be together, knowing it is the treatment that is allowing that. I will go on it for as long as it takes and as long as it works. Tonight is the most rough night since my diognosis, but despite the nausea, and pain, i am alive and I know what love means now. She has shown me the power of it in her strength, support, and undying perseverance which pushes me forward, onward and upward. LOVE WELL

News

So, today I received the first batch of "not so good news" since this process started. As many of you know, for the past few months I have been taking a 'chemo holiday.' Such a holiday can last anywhere from three months, to several years, depending on the growth factor of the tumors in my liver. So, the blood test a few days ago revealed some news that was quite shocking for everyone, doctors included. Without going into too much detail, the markers in my blood shot way way up, not a good sign at all considering I have been eating a 100% raw diet, and doing all I can in all ways to, with alternative treatment, keep things at least stable so that I could be one of the ones who enjoy a long nice break. An ASAP scan is called which I will go into on Monday, to find out the results on Tuesday. This places many of my summer plans in a holding pattern, as I await news from the scan. Of course, there is the minute possibility that this blood test is not representative as to what is going on, however in the past, it has mirrored my progress quite well. So, it will be a long weekend, a long Monday, and an intense Tuesday as I await news which will essentially decide my fate for many months, if not years to come. On the flip side, and aside from this news, my god, this raw food, and juicing, and proper supplementation program has been wonderful to me. I feel like a million bucks! And this is why the blood, and all else is so strange, and even a wonder to my doctors who found me looking and seeming so healthy. So, my work schedule, which I started to load up again, will again, take a back seat to more health research, meditation, and relaxation. I must admit, I did get 'into it' again. Running around to meetings, stressing over script submissions, worrying about the house, landing another commercial, all somehow became important again. How easy it is to slip, and yet, I felt normal, and I wanted to be normal, and to me, that is what is normal, and what I love to do, so I did. I have no regrets, and no one knows what has caused this blip in the radar, and I truly do believe it to be a blip, and if the scan says anything different, then I will deal with that then, and you will be the first to know. So what now? I love writing that question on this blog, because then I get to answer it for myself, right now, which I will do, right now... OK, what now... Well, ok, it's been all good news till now, shrinkage, shrinkage, and more shrinkage. My acupuncturist and doctors all seemed to think my body would naturally go into a healing state on it's own, that the chemo was a great blast, and now my body would do the rest. And now, based on blood results, and a slight feeling of something in my liver area, we can assume, that that may not have been the case. Now what? Ok, well, so the expected did not happen, and the unexpected continues to rear it's head. For a moment, I thought about throwing in the towel! Yes, you read correctly, I actually did. Without even a scan or knowledge on what exactly is happening, that was my reaction. I thought, fuck, if I am eating 100% raw foods for months, meditating, acupuncture and all else that I am doing, and the results are shocking to my doctors, then at a certain point, one must say, enough is enough. After careful consideration, that was not an option either so... what next? First, I am going to have a wonderful and romantic evening with my girlfriend free from the topic, then I will put a battle plan in place that will include calling the two people I have contact information for who have beaten this stage 4 beast, yes, purportedly, "beaten it." Then I will plan for the worst, hope for the best, and continue to live, fight, and research alternative programs that have worked for people. I will also do, what most all of us do, keep figuring out how to pay for it all, which means, figuring out how to continue to raise revenue to fund these alternative protocols. And this seems to be what life is about for most people. They want something, they go out and earn it, and how blessed and lucky, that I still have my mind in tact, my body able to walk, my sight able to see. At a screening I was at this evening, I noticed two guys who had arrived in wheel chairs, and were essentially handicapped but were still able to slide into normal seats. I took a hard look at those guys. One had an earring, a cool flannel, if you didn't see the wheel chair, you wouldn't have noticed anything was wrong. In a strange way, and I am certain he didn't know it when he caught me staring at him, I felt a bond with him, and actually happy that he was out, looking normal, enjoying the show, doing his thing. I wondered, how many other people have 'things' in that theater. Not sure the point, but despite my issue right now, I still do feel extremely lucky, and that's because I know that humans have an extremely large capacity to accept change, and while shocked for a moment, get through it and continue living, until the light shuts out. Today on Facebook I accidentally came to the profile of an old neighbor of mine. We are the same age, went to the same schools... One day she was driving, hit a telephone pole, and was never the same again, to this day. Her life is forever, dramatically changed, that's life. She lost all her friends, and any semblance of a life as she knew it was different from that moment on. In a moment, a flash, a snap of the fingers, and it's all gone. And so I know I've said it, so I will say it again, the moment, we must enjoy the moment, and this moment for me includes being able to see perfectly, type with able fingers, walk outside and listen to the wind blow, enjoy a decadent piece of raw chocolate, light a few candles, bring them into my girlfriends room, and if you will excuse me. LIVE WELL

SCOTT 2.0

First, I would like to apologize to the readers for my blogging absence. The fact of the matter is, I have been having so much fun over the past few months, that for the first time since I can remember, I truly feel free. Free from the tendencies that I used to employ in order to escape the pain of a receding economy, hairline, and job prospects. Free from pressure to succeed, be fiscally responsible, and constantly please the will of a larger than life family. Free from the self pressure I used to bath myself in. And of course, free from the wires and chemical drip that for six plus months streamed into by delicate body every two weeks, for three days. Yes, as of three months ago, I was freed from my therapy, "a holiday" to allow my body to regain it's strength, for my soul to regain it's purpose, and man, it feels good! So good that I simply forgot to write. Instead, I went on trips, started working out like an athlete, and modified my eating so drastically, that even I can't believe I am capable, and able to do it.But tonight I promise to write more, and to write soon, about working out, my 100% RAW diet, which is more of a lifestyle than a diet, and all of the other adventures that have come my way due to a new outlook, and renewed vigor to live. FYI - I am not out of the woods yet. There is a load of work to be done still. Doctors still say I may never actually be out of the woods. But each day I take new steps to get it done, to live, be better, whether the ride is long or short, no one will ever be able to say it was not well played. But my focus for now is not on statistics, it's on staying alive, and for a very very long time. It's not easy, but I rationalize, as I am taking the 5 plus items a day as part of my regimen, that it's not easy to do much in life, and be successful at it. If I am to be successful at staying alive, and I mean in the literal sense, I must do it spot on, and so, thus far, I have no qualms in saying I have been. More on exactly what, where, and with whom, in the next blog post. All of my love and appreciation. Scott 2.0 coming soon. BE WELL