Wow

That was a hyper intense chemotherapy session that I just ended today. Going in for the first time in three months was not fun, but the pain in my liver had grown intense, and it was nice to know I was doing something about my recent elevated blood test results, and lesion growth. I truly don't believe I was able to follow my doctors advice of absolutely no stress, lot's of fun, and relaxation. Though my RAW food lifestyle was doing great, my meditations were essentially cut back, and I didn't go to Hypocrites Institute as I wanted to. I know i cant blame myself, but WOW, looking back at that opportunity, I realize I sure missed a few of the lessons. That may have been an opportunity of a lifetime, and all I did was simply, live a normal life. This time, things will be different. I have essentially quit a film project I was working on, and have decided my part time job, will now be to extend my life, research people who have survived, talk to new doctors, and get serious about meditation. This is my job right now, for better or worse. I have been tested, and if a solution on this planet exists, and as I told my doctor "I have to believe that one does." He doesn't want to see my expectations shattered time and time again. But people have survived this, and beaten the odds, and this must be my new job. At this point in time I am unsure exactly how I am going to go about doing it again. Acupuncture, meditation, massage, and relaxation sessions, will be the main points. i would like to find someone to help with this. And though it was a tough week (Wed, routine doctor appointment, Thursday call from doctor re: elevated blood, Fri., PET/CT Scan, Monday horrific results, Wed. back into chemo), I felt trapped in a box, in a reality that just doesn't seem right, fair, or even real. Thoughts of the worse ran through my head, jumping the car off a cliff would end this nightmare, but tonight, after unplugging the chemo from my chest, I realize, that despite the news, my doctors vision of my future, I must go on, I must keep fighting, I must fight harder, and that includes, learning how to quiet my mind. I have the love of my life by my side, we want to find a new place, start a family, and so despite the harsh reality that I face, the seemingly intensity and quick growing problem inside of me, I must must continue, and thank god I am coming to this realization tonight, because I'm not going anywhere without a fight. I know I ate a lot of sweet things, despite them being raw, I ate at random times, and I was pretty script, perhaps too much so given my position. There must be answers to these questions. Meanwhile, WOW, what a week, my my, thankful that I can breath a sigh of relief, knowing that I am back at the good fight, painful though it is. Finally starting to catch my breath here, so excuse me if I get going now, that was quite a dosey. Good night. LIVE WELL