Wow

That was a hyper intense chemotherapy session that I just ended today. Going in for the first time in three months was not fun, but the pain in my liver had grown intense, and it was nice to know I was doing something about my recent elevated blood test results, and lesion growth. I truly don't believe I was able to follow my doctors advice of absolutely no stress, lot's of fun, and relaxation. Though my RAW food lifestyle was doing great, my meditations were essentially cut back, and I didn't go to Hypocrites Institute as I wanted to. I know i cant blame myself, but WOW, looking back at that opportunity, I realize I sure missed a few of the lessons. That may have been an opportunity of a lifetime, and all I did was simply, live a normal life. This time, things will be different. I have essentially quit a film project I was working on, and have decided my part time job, will now be to extend my life, research people who have survived, talk to new doctors, and get serious about meditation. This is my job right now, for better or worse. I have been tested, and if a solution on this planet exists, and as I told my doctor "I have to believe that one does." He doesn't want to see my expectations shattered time and time again. But people have survived this, and beaten the odds, and this must be my new job. At this point in time I am unsure exactly how I am going to go about doing it again. Acupuncture, meditation, massage, and relaxation sessions, will be the main points. i would like to find someone to help with this. And though it was a tough week (Wed, routine doctor appointment, Thursday call from doctor re: elevated blood, Fri., PET/CT Scan, Monday horrific results, Wed. back into chemo), I felt trapped in a box, in a reality that just doesn't seem right, fair, or even real. Thoughts of the worse ran through my head, jumping the car off a cliff would end this nightmare, but tonight, after unplugging the chemo from my chest, I realize, that despite the news, my doctors vision of my future, I must go on, I must keep fighting, I must fight harder, and that includes, learning how to quiet my mind. I have the love of my life by my side, we want to find a new place, start a family, and so despite the harsh reality that I face, the seemingly intensity and quick growing problem inside of me, I must must continue, and thank god I am coming to this realization tonight, because I'm not going anywhere without a fight. I know I ate a lot of sweet things, despite them being raw, I ate at random times, and I was pretty script, perhaps too much so given my position. There must be answers to these questions. Meanwhile, WOW, what a week, my my, thankful that I can breath a sigh of relief, knowing that I am back at the good fight, painful though it is. Finally starting to catch my breath here, so excuse me if I get going now, that was quite a dosey. Good night. LIVE WELL

News

The break was great but trouble has erupted. The tumors in liver are very much alive, they are lighting up a lot, and there are even more than before. What hope there was of surgery is now pretty much out the door, ie microscopic cancer is very much alive within my liver. Im scheduled for chemo again on Monday but am going to try and get in tomorrow. My girlfriend and I cried all night. All we want is to be together, to start a life, build a company and grow old together. This is all we want and we decided, that right now while no road exists, we will somehow create one and keep seeing a road. I cried because it's now obvious even with raw food, extensive juicing, and supplements, my doctor was right, and this colon c is not a joke. It is strong, powerful, fierce, and it wants to thrive. But our hope is that chemo works again, as it did last time. This time we go into treatment with optimism and excitement that it adds time to our journey together. Yes, it will be painful for those three days, and I will be in pain, mentally and physically, but we will be together, knowing it is the treatment that is allowing that. I will go on it for as long as it takes and as long as it works. Tonight is the most rough night since my diognosis, but despite the nausea, and pain, i am alive and I know what love means now. She has shown me the power of it in her strength, support, and undying perseverance which pushes me forward, onward and upward. LOVE WELL

News

So, today I received the first batch of "not so good news" since this process started. As many of you know, for the past few months I have been taking a 'chemo holiday.' Such a holiday can last anywhere from three months, to several years, depending on the growth factor of the tumors in my liver. So, the blood test a few days ago revealed some news that was quite shocking for everyone, doctors included. Without going into too much detail, the markers in my blood shot way way up, not a good sign at all considering I have been eating a 100% raw diet, and doing all I can in all ways to, with alternative treatment, keep things at least stable so that I could be one of the ones who enjoy a long nice break. An ASAP scan is called which I will go into on Monday, to find out the results on Tuesday. This places many of my summer plans in a holding pattern, as I await news from the scan. Of course, there is the minute possibility that this blood test is not representative as to what is going on, however in the past, it has mirrored my progress quite well. So, it will be a long weekend, a long Monday, and an intense Tuesday as I await news which will essentially decide my fate for many months, if not years to come. On the flip side, and aside from this news, my god, this raw food, and juicing, and proper supplementation program has been wonderful to me. I feel like a million bucks! And this is why the blood, and all else is so strange, and even a wonder to my doctors who found me looking and seeming so healthy. So, my work schedule, which I started to load up again, will again, take a back seat to more health research, meditation, and relaxation. I must admit, I did get 'into it' again. Running around to meetings, stressing over script submissions, worrying about the house, landing another commercial, all somehow became important again. How easy it is to slip, and yet, I felt normal, and I wanted to be normal, and to me, that is what is normal, and what I love to do, so I did. I have no regrets, and no one knows what has caused this blip in the radar, and I truly do believe it to be a blip, and if the scan says anything different, then I will deal with that then, and you will be the first to know. So what now? I love writing that question on this blog, because then I get to answer it for myself, right now, which I will do, right now... OK, what now... Well, ok, it's been all good news till now, shrinkage, shrinkage, and more shrinkage. My acupuncturist and doctors all seemed to think my body would naturally go into a healing state on it's own, that the chemo was a great blast, and now my body would do the rest. And now, based on blood results, and a slight feeling of something in my liver area, we can assume, that that may not have been the case. Now what? Ok, well, so the expected did not happen, and the unexpected continues to rear it's head. For a moment, I thought about throwing in the towel! Yes, you read correctly, I actually did. Without even a scan or knowledge on what exactly is happening, that was my reaction. I thought, fuck, if I am eating 100% raw foods for months, meditating, acupuncture and all else that I am doing, and the results are shocking to my doctors, then at a certain point, one must say, enough is enough. After careful consideration, that was not an option either so... what next? First, I am going to have a wonderful and romantic evening with my girlfriend free from the topic, then I will put a battle plan in place that will include calling the two people I have contact information for who have beaten this stage 4 beast, yes, purportedly, "beaten it." Then I will plan for the worst, hope for the best, and continue to live, fight, and research alternative programs that have worked for people. I will also do, what most all of us do, keep figuring out how to pay for it all, which means, figuring out how to continue to raise revenue to fund these alternative protocols. And this seems to be what life is about for most people. They want something, they go out and earn it, and how blessed and lucky, that I still have my mind in tact, my body able to walk, my sight able to see. At a screening I was at this evening, I noticed two guys who had arrived in wheel chairs, and were essentially handicapped but were still able to slide into normal seats. I took a hard look at those guys. One had an earring, a cool flannel, if you didn't see the wheel chair, you wouldn't have noticed anything was wrong. In a strange way, and I am certain he didn't know it when he caught me staring at him, I felt a bond with him, and actually happy that he was out, looking normal, enjoying the show, doing his thing. I wondered, how many other people have 'things' in that theater. Not sure the point, but despite my issue right now, I still do feel extremely lucky, and that's because I know that humans have an extremely large capacity to accept change, and while shocked for a moment, get through it and continue living, until the light shuts out. Today on Facebook I accidentally came to the profile of an old neighbor of mine. We are the same age, went to the same schools... One day she was driving, hit a telephone pole, and was never the same again, to this day. Her life is forever, dramatically changed, that's life. She lost all her friends, and any semblance of a life as she knew it was different from that moment on. In a moment, a flash, a snap of the fingers, and it's all gone. And so I know I've said it, so I will say it again, the moment, we must enjoy the moment, and this moment for me includes being able to see perfectly, type with able fingers, walk outside and listen to the wind blow, enjoy a decadent piece of raw chocolate, light a few candles, bring them into my girlfriends room, and if you will excuse me. LIVE WELL

SCOTT 2.0

First, I would like to apologize to the readers for my blogging absence. The fact of the matter is, I have been having so much fun over the past few months, that for the first time since I can remember, I truly feel free. Free from the tendencies that I used to employ in order to escape the pain of a receding economy, hairline, and job prospects. Free from pressure to succeed, be fiscally responsible, and constantly please the will of a larger than life family. Free from the self pressure I used to bath myself in. And of course, free from the wires and chemical drip that for six plus months streamed into by delicate body every two weeks, for three days. Yes, as of three months ago, I was freed from my therapy, "a holiday" to allow my body to regain it's strength, for my soul to regain it's purpose, and man, it feels good! So good that I simply forgot to write. Instead, I went on trips, started working out like an athlete, and modified my eating so drastically, that even I can't believe I am capable, and able to do it.But tonight I promise to write more, and to write soon, about working out, my 100% RAW diet, which is more of a lifestyle than a diet, and all of the other adventures that have come my way due to a new outlook, and renewed vigor to live. FYI - I am not out of the woods yet. There is a load of work to be done still. Doctors still say I may never actually be out of the woods. But each day I take new steps to get it done, to live, be better, whether the ride is long or short, no one will ever be able to say it was not well played. But my focus for now is not on statistics, it's on staying alive, and for a very very long time. It's not easy, but I rationalize, as I am taking the 5 plus items a day as part of my regimen, that it's not easy to do much in life, and be successful at it. If I am to be successful at staying alive, and I mean in the literal sense, I must do it spot on, and so, thus far, I have no qualms in saying I have been. More on exactly what, where, and with whom, in the next blog post. All of my love and appreciation. Scott 2.0 coming soon. BE WELL

TODAYS NEWS

I met with my doctor today and was told some interesting news. But before going into that, over the past few weeks I have been inundated by friends and in some cases random strangers pleading with me to pay attention to the benefits of a raw food diet, and have been sent numerous accounts of people healing themselves through all sorts of "alternative" means. On three separate occasions, I have had people touting the benefits of the information provided by an institution called Hippocroties located in Florida. While the Hippocraties Institute may not be a medically approved facility to cure cancer, per say, they do provide a number of helpful tips on how to properly eat raw foods, prepare it, which ones to eat depending on type, and what enzymes to digest, and the most beneficial ways to do such. All of a sudden, the noise began to get extremely intense, overwhelming even! My theta healer was expressing an intense field of energy in regard to my being able to get through this and heal, and all of the other people who I have been working with on my healing journey were also starting to say that I am looking too good to continue chemo, that it was time to give my body a go at it. The noise was growing with intensity, and the past few chemotherapy sessions were also likewise intense with pain and a feeling that the end was coming. I felt, and now I know that the universe was telling me something. "TRY IT" it was telling me, as loud as you can possibly imagine. I.E. try going off it! Now, I knew this message was sure to be met with disdain and distrust by my family and my western doctor - after all, the cancer is still in me, the chemo was theoretically working, and people with cancer stay on chemo when it's working. And in fact, last week, a meeting with my doctor and family did seem to be in alignment with this thought. But at that meeting I told the doctor that my body had been starting to switch to being toxic, that the side effects were getting to me. What was once, simply not fun, had become a psychologically grueling thing to do to my body every two weeks. I had been entering the chemo ward a health champion, having juiced, supplemented, worked out, mediated and sunned for the whole week. "Continuing on this path was starting to make no sense" I told him. So he went out and discussed with a few colleagues and a surgeon my reaction. In today's meeting he told me that I am at this point surgical (meaning they can remove the heated part of the cancer out of my liver and 'zap' the rest of the lesions) but that he also believes a break would serve my body good, and that it is not out of the realm of possibilities that my body could heal itself completely. Say What? Was that a wester trained oncologist talking? He told me to go and deal with some emotional issues, to stay calm, and watch what happens. After going over every detail, he essentially told me that I am far from being in danger of dying, and though my cancer may continue to grow at some point in time in the future, there is a very good chance, it may no longer continue to grow, or that it may no longer grow for a very long time and could potentially just go away. Now let me be clear because the internet is littered with "BLOGGS" of people with stage 4 cancer who have been declared 'free and clear' and who seem to be, god bless their souls, jumping up and down with joy via their writing at the 'miracle' which had taken place. Many times, there is an editors note at the end of those notes pronouncing said blogger 'no longer with us, having passed with family and friends nearby.' I vow to never ever be one of those persons as I am forever humbled by this disease and life in general. Not just me, but all of us have an obligation to ourselves to keep our cells happy, healthy, and our mind and souls in good spirits. To be on this planet is a gift, and it must be appreciated, worked on, and no one moment ever taken for granted. So my doctor believes that I should go out there and live and if and when the tumors look like they are growing again, I will come in for a little chemo to put them back in their place. But for now, I am told I have responded 'off the charts' and that my mission should now should be getting back into life, continuing to eat healthy. Though I know I am not 100% out of the woods, I can't describe in writing the feeling I have of not having to go in this week to be hooked into this poison (life saving poison) and go through the side effects, feelings and shit, only to get healthy and have to do it again. As it was described to me, "chemo for the rest of your life" i was led to believe that I may very well have to do it every 2 weeks for the rest of my life. To be told that I am surgical, but that I should first try and allow my body to heal itself, is exactly what the universe was telling me all along, and to have a western doctor reassure me that that is exactly what I should go out and do - is the miracle. The miracle of belief, of listening to those voices who guide you without prejudice. This is the very essence of what living is about; paying attention and being aware of those voices be they far or close, in ones head, or the outside environment. I've said it once and I will say it again, the meaning of life, to me, is simply paying attention to these signs. There is nothing else to question. Thank you so much for reading, for your prayers, for your blessings, for being all you can be, and for paying attention to those signs in your life whatever and however they may be telling you to BE WELL

Shaman Healing

Today was quite an amazing fun filled, active, day. I started the morning off with a glass of water mixed with green powder and MSM - The chemo has been affecting my joints and muscles so I have incorporated this product into my morning ritual. I quickly head off to the Inferred Sauna location on Main St. (Inferred Sauna has also become a new staple) where I sat and mediated for an hour inside this new sauna device which is said to heat up the inside core of your body first, thus heating you from the inside out, and helping to provide a good detox. After this, I went to breakfast at Urth Cafe with my woman, and ordered their fresh green vegetable juice. From here I went to attempt some tennis in the park however only played for 1/2 an hour. Earlier in the morning I had lost a lot of blood while attempting a BM. The treatment dry's me out so much that BM's have created considerable pain shortly after treatment and this morning was a prime example of what I can say is as bad as it can possibly get. I believe I have the pain of going into labor every single time I have a BM for the first 7 days after treatment. But aside from this, life is good and I was so happy to be out in the park swinging my racquet around. After this I went to sun myself for 15 minutes in order to soak in as much vitamin D as possible. I then went home and ingested some cottage cheese and flax seed, along with another carrot juice which I squeezed at home. I then soaked in an epsom salt bath mixed with dead sea salt for about 1/2 and hour. After that I recorded a little music on my new computer and then got ready for the evening. Tonight I went to my standard zen meditation group which takes place every Monday evening, though tonight was a special evening. One of the 13 grandmothers of Napal, a very very famous Shaman and healer was in town and made a stop by our masters home. She was intense and only spoke her native language. Part of me was afraid to go up in front of everyone and let her know about my situation. The people before me had headaches, one complained of a weakened immune system. How was this lady to respond to my intense situation by comparison? But I did go up, told her of my plague, and was met with an unusual pause. She asked the translator for more information, and another guy who had knowledge of the language. She told me I had been visited by ancestors (ghosts) who have not left me alone, and that the 9 planets are ill-aligned to my being, that I had some serious work to do if I wanted to live! She instructed me to make an offering to the spirits, to provide them a plate, and she provided EXACT instructions on what to offer. I am also to create an effigy of myself out of clay which will contain my nail clippings and my hair pulled from my head (luckily, yes, I still have my full head of hair.) I am to place the plate of offerings at a cross road (4 way cross) along with the effigy. Prior to leaving the effigy, I am to attach a string to it, and me, and one of my friends is to cut the string. We will be offering the goods, and effigy in an exchange of leaving me be, and we will cut the cord of this sickness. The hope will be that the negative spirits which have unknowingly been causing problems for me, will decide to enjoy the offerings, and wreak havoc on the effigy, as opposed to me. Now, all of this may seem silly to some, but let me tell you that this lady sees 60-70 people a day in her home town who come from all over, and is considered a medic in Nepal. I am going to follower her instruction, if for no other reason, than life is a trip and on occasion, Shamans provide you instructions on what to do, and I believe it is only proper to follow those instructions. The whole thing was of course a surreal dream, like, what am I doing asking for medical help? I looked around the room and from the look of things I seemed to be one of the healthiest people in the room, and yet this strange situation has manifested in my body, and at such an extreme place. But I am fighting with almost every modality that I can think of, practicing and disciplining myself every day to follow through. Because life is so fun, amazing, beautiful, etc. I am in awe of all that lies in our path when we simply give in and flow with what is asked of us. Aside from a few aches and pains, my butt of course, due to treatment, I feel amazing, healthy, strong, determined. How could this strong feeling body be plagued by such a detrimental disease, which is so deadly? I just can't figure it out. It's as if that part just doesn't make sense anymore. It doesn't make sense, its a word I don't even like using, and my mind will continue to keep me strong despite my illness, the strong medication they drive into me every two weeks for three days. Oh man, is life a blessing. If I am to ever get out of this situation, and be declared "free and clear" it will be the most blessed day of my life. I want to live, I want to live, I want to live and for a solid week out of two, I am living as if nothing every happened, and for that I must continue to be grateful for. My friends, continue to be open to what comes your way, continue to be in awe of whatever it is, sickness included, and LIVE WELL!

forever

Today I was told that the good news was that everything was continuing to shrink, but that cancer is smart, and colon cancer is even smarter than traditional cancer - I was told that the chances are high that chemo would be an inevitable treatment that would last the rest of my life. I have non-resectable, multiple lesion (and by multiple I mean upwards of 30 lesions) colon cancer which has metastasized all throughout my liver. I was told that breaks would be an option. I.E. a nine month break would not be out of the question. This is accomplished by continued bi-weekly trips to the doctor where blood is monitored and continued scans every 2-4 months. That the moment they see a significant increase is size and amount of the tumors, they would likely want to start up again with treatment. The thought of a break sounds fun to me, though even that my doctor says doesn't necessarily make one feel better. He said, sometimes people don't feel better on a 'break.' I believe I would feel better, but at this point, while it's "working" a break is not a good option. He still holds out some sort of olive branch of a possibility that the lesions on one side shrink enough to resect half of the liver, thus leaving a clean 2nd half remaining, and IF that amazing feat was reached, there would be the small possibility of the metastasized blood not forming cancer again. However minute that chance is, this is what I am looking at as a best case scenario, though realistically looking at the number of lesions currently in my liver, that is a long shot. Ok, so what to do with news like this? Fight like you've never fought before, keep seeking alternative answers, those stories of people who have been able to clear lesions out of their liver through juicing and alternative therapies which aid in the body's natural ability. I don't know much, and I know less about cancer, but I know there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes that solution means growing old and dying, sometimes it means time is up. I have had an amazing ride. I've traveled to many countries. I've enjoyed the company of many women. I've loved harder than I can possibly imagine loving. I've seen the birth of a beautiful and amazing baby boy. I've always followed my heart and lived my way. Maybe this is why. Maybe all the hours not sitting in an office serving the needs of someone else were so that I could have those extra moments living a life of passion. I've met some great characters all of whom have an intensity that drew me into their life. Prior to this diagnosis, life was like one fun giant movie. I had no idea this type of bleak reality would ever hit me, or a person like me, who thought with so much optimism. I've done what I though the universe was asking of me, and now it's asking me to be strong, to keep fighting, searching for new information, new doctors, and people who have lived to see the other side of this devastating reality. Ok, I can fight, but what, aside from a beautiful sunset, and a bird flying, am I fighting for? When the chips are stacked this heavily against you, when a future looks grim, and the the possibility of a non-future, even more so, what is there to fight for? This I don't know, I don't know what and I don't believe an answer exists. What are we doing here, truly? I used to think that we were here to enjoy, multiply, and enjoy some more. I think for many, that is their destiny, and then they die in their sleep after making love to their lover. I guess for me, there is a guiding force in this world that speaks to us at all moments through day and night. It communicates what it is we are supposed to do. By not suppressing it with drugs and alcohol, and other negative thoughts, we are able to understand what that message is. By tuning in and paying attention to it's message, and following it's directive, we will be taking our place in a natural environment that is supposed to work in harmony no different that any other living organism or creature of this earth and beyond. It is my humble opinion that we are here to serve the needs of this planet, whatever is asked of us. In any given moment that may be assisting a spouse with the groceries, or an old person down a curb. At the moment, I am being asked to fight for my life. I was not asked to prepare my last will and testimony, and I was not asked to get my documents in order. I was asked to hold on, that the future will most definitely be bumpy, filled with unknowns, the possibility of stronger chemo agents that will make me loose my hair, more weight, etc. and at that point in time I will ask the universe to provide me with an answer as to the best path to go down. That is then, and then, is not now. So I won't worry about the future, and will instead focusing on now, which will include procuring flowers for my lovely girlfriend who has selflessly sat through all of this day in and day out, with the confidence that we will 100% get through this and live a wonderful life together. How someone can hear the same news I heard today, and still have a smile, a confidence in her look, and such compassion and love in her heart, as to not even flinch, is beyond me. I do know however, that right now, I am being asked to love back in return, and allow the healing energy of such love to work it's magic on my body. Because for now, things are shrinking, the cancer dying, the medication working. For now, this is the reality, and for now, I must embrace the good news. This is what now and NOWS are all about. Looking over at what you DO have, and thanking your lucky stars for it. This will not end with some sort of happy closing as many of my posts do. Sometimes, things just end. Whereas yesterday I had extreme optimism and will to fight whatever battle ahead, today my doctor shot me with a dose of reality, and I'm still trying to figure out how to manage such reality with only 34 years experience. And since my mind and body can't at this moment even contemplate or understand what I could have done to have have gotten myself into a situation seemingly so grave and so mind-blowing as to almost seem like a surreal dream, I have no words or smart way of ending this blog other than to say and focus on what is now, and now is great, the world exciting, the day beautiful. I'm hearing some beautiful music playing in the living room which is calling me to listen to it, to be still, to quiet my mind. Goodnight - Live now, LIVE WELL!