Car Wash

Four months of hardcore treatment now complete. Today was spent doing CT and PET scan (i.e. sitting inside of a tube for 20 minutes plus while a radiation symbol is going off above your head). After I went to the car wash and noticed a PEOPLE magazine with Michael Douglas on the cover. I've usually skipped over these type of articles, however today I had to take a read. CANCER, throat, 80% chance he will get through it. Wow, to have those odds, would be amazing, a god send, a gift from the heavens, an excuse to kiss the ground and count your lucky stars. 8-Weeks of chemo, and he's finished. I wish him all the best and know this is a tough battle, but it sounds as though it will be a walk in the park, perhaps a little difficult during treatment, but the knowledge that you will be out of the dark and back in action in as little as 8-weeks, with an 80% survival ratio, must be fairly comforting while doing your time. To contrast that, the odds on Colon Cancer are not as good (I won't get into details, because that's exactly what they are, but trust me they are not that good). I then made a mistake to turn to the page on Dr. Oz, and his dilemma finding a polyp during a routine colonoscopy. There was a 3-page article on him, his polyp, and the fear that had he not been checked, that polyp could have turned into cancer which could have spread to his liver and in his words, if that were the case he would "BE A GONER." Now imagine yourself in the car wash, music playing, people walking around, Hispanic workers delicately washing the vehicles, and you have exactly what DR. OZ just mentioned if he had would render him "GONER." Imagine you feel completely healthy, people say how great you look, but you know that there may be a ticking time bomb inside of you that odds show will slowly start eating your insides. Imagine there is a small possibility that treatment and a miracle may stop that clock, and you will find out of there is at least some hope, that the clock is at least partially stopped or by some grace of god and a miracle turned off completely and that tomorrow at 11:30AM you are going to find out your answer. If you can partially imagine that scenario, then you will know how I am feeling right now. And yet, I am still sitting here completely healthy, able to go for a walk on the beach, to write this note, hug a stranger, pass along a smile, send a loving email, enjoy a piece of dark chocolate, watch a movie, go to dinner, hang out with friends, watch the birds, plan a trip, read a book, and be conscious on the moment. It's interesting how consciousness both of being in the moment, and the possible presence of some afterlife or sentient being out there in the cosmos has come up for me more and more. In comparison to now, I never gave it much thought, deciding that going to temple, and being friends with the rabbi is something one does as they enter into the age group where those type of things must logically and otherwise be thought/felt out. And yet here I am forced to enter that stage now. Well here is where I am right now: I believe there is an organizing power to everything that is, one would be silly to not at least believe that. And yet, like a child knowing that people are speaking and doing things, but not understanding any of it, I am left in permanent awe of that aspect of life and afterlife, unsure, but interested, knowing that something is going on, but not understanding any of it. Finally perhaps becoming the humble fool I had always wished to become. I am humbled by my condition and would never say that I am 100% certain I will get through this. But I can say I will search for the reasons as to why, and how I can be the best I can be until that day does come, how I can learn from this, heal my soul for the possibility of the next journey, be it here or elsewhere... I can tell you one cliche but truism that is used over and over again and it never sinks in until you are in a situation like this, and that is at the end of the day, when all is said and done, truly, truly, truly, all there is, the only thing that should be, and the most important thing of all, is love. Give it, get it, send it, be it! :-)