TODAYS NEWS

I met with my doctor today and was told some interesting news. But before going into that, over the past few weeks I have been inundated by friends and in some cases random strangers pleading with me to pay attention to the benefits of a raw food diet, and have been sent numerous accounts of people healing themselves through all sorts of "alternative" means. On three separate occasions, I have had people touting the benefits of the information provided by an institution called Hippocroties located in Florida. While the Hippocraties Institute may not be a medically approved facility to cure cancer, per say, they do provide a number of helpful tips on how to properly eat raw foods, prepare it, which ones to eat depending on type, and what enzymes to digest, and the most beneficial ways to do such. All of a sudden, the noise began to get extremely intense, overwhelming even! My theta healer was expressing an intense field of energy in regard to my being able to get through this and heal, and all of the other people who I have been working with on my healing journey were also starting to say that I am looking too good to continue chemo, that it was time to give my body a go at it. The noise was growing with intensity, and the past few chemotherapy sessions were also likewise intense with pain and a feeling that the end was coming. I felt, and now I know that the universe was telling me something. "TRY IT" it was telling me, as loud as you can possibly imagine. I.E. try going off it! Now, I knew this message was sure to be met with disdain and distrust by my family and my western doctor - after all, the cancer is still in me, the chemo was theoretically working, and people with cancer stay on chemo when it's working. And in fact, last week, a meeting with my doctor and family did seem to be in alignment with this thought. But at that meeting I told the doctor that my body had been starting to switch to being toxic, that the side effects were getting to me. What was once, simply not fun, had become a psychologically grueling thing to do to my body every two weeks. I had been entering the chemo ward a health champion, having juiced, supplemented, worked out, mediated and sunned for the whole week. "Continuing on this path was starting to make no sense" I told him. So he went out and discussed with a few colleagues and a surgeon my reaction. In today's meeting he told me that I am at this point surgical (meaning they can remove the heated part of the cancer out of my liver and 'zap' the rest of the lesions) but that he also believes a break would serve my body good, and that it is not out of the realm of possibilities that my body could heal itself completely. Say What? Was that a wester trained oncologist talking? He told me to go and deal with some emotional issues, to stay calm, and watch what happens. After going over every detail, he essentially told me that I am far from being in danger of dying, and though my cancer may continue to grow at some point in time in the future, there is a very good chance, it may no longer continue to grow, or that it may no longer grow for a very long time and could potentially just go away. Now let me be clear because the internet is littered with "BLOGGS" of people with stage 4 cancer who have been declared 'free and clear' and who seem to be, god bless their souls, jumping up and down with joy via their writing at the 'miracle' which had taken place. Many times, there is an editors note at the end of those notes pronouncing said blogger 'no longer with us, having passed with family and friends nearby.' I vow to never ever be one of those persons as I am forever humbled by this disease and life in general. Not just me, but all of us have an obligation to ourselves to keep our cells happy, healthy, and our mind and souls in good spirits. To be on this planet is a gift, and it must be appreciated, worked on, and no one moment ever taken for granted. So my doctor believes that I should go out there and live and if and when the tumors look like they are growing again, I will come in for a little chemo to put them back in their place. But for now, I am told I have responded 'off the charts' and that my mission should now should be getting back into life, continuing to eat healthy. Though I know I am not 100% out of the woods, I can't describe in writing the feeling I have of not having to go in this week to be hooked into this poison (life saving poison) and go through the side effects, feelings and shit, only to get healthy and have to do it again. As it was described to me, "chemo for the rest of your life" i was led to believe that I may very well have to do it every 2 weeks for the rest of my life. To be told that I am surgical, but that I should first try and allow my body to heal itself, is exactly what the universe was telling me all along, and to have a western doctor reassure me that that is exactly what I should go out and do - is the miracle. The miracle of belief, of listening to those voices who guide you without prejudice. This is the very essence of what living is about; paying attention and being aware of those voices be they far or close, in ones head, or the outside environment. I've said it once and I will say it again, the meaning of life, to me, is simply paying attention to these signs. There is nothing else to question. Thank you so much for reading, for your prayers, for your blessings, for being all you can be, and for paying attention to those signs in your life whatever and however they may be telling you to BE WELL

Shaman Healing

Today was quite an amazing fun filled, active, day. I started the morning off with a glass of water mixed with green powder and MSM - The chemo has been affecting my joints and muscles so I have incorporated this product into my morning ritual. I quickly head off to the Inferred Sauna location on Main St. (Inferred Sauna has also become a new staple) where I sat and mediated for an hour inside this new sauna device which is said to heat up the inside core of your body first, thus heating you from the inside out, and helping to provide a good detox. After this, I went to breakfast at Urth Cafe with my woman, and ordered their fresh green vegetable juice. From here I went to attempt some tennis in the park however only played for 1/2 an hour. Earlier in the morning I had lost a lot of blood while attempting a BM. The treatment dry's me out so much that BM's have created considerable pain shortly after treatment and this morning was a prime example of what I can say is as bad as it can possibly get. I believe I have the pain of going into labor every single time I have a BM for the first 7 days after treatment. But aside from this, life is good and I was so happy to be out in the park swinging my racquet around. After this I went to sun myself for 15 minutes in order to soak in as much vitamin D as possible. I then went home and ingested some cottage cheese and flax seed, along with another carrot juice which I squeezed at home. I then soaked in an epsom salt bath mixed with dead sea salt for about 1/2 and hour. After that I recorded a little music on my new computer and then got ready for the evening. Tonight I went to my standard zen meditation group which takes place every Monday evening, though tonight was a special evening. One of the 13 grandmothers of Napal, a very very famous Shaman and healer was in town and made a stop by our masters home. She was intense and only spoke her native language. Part of me was afraid to go up in front of everyone and let her know about my situation. The people before me had headaches, one complained of a weakened immune system. How was this lady to respond to my intense situation by comparison? But I did go up, told her of my plague, and was met with an unusual pause. She asked the translator for more information, and another guy who had knowledge of the language. She told me I had been visited by ancestors (ghosts) who have not left me alone, and that the 9 planets are ill-aligned to my being, that I had some serious work to do if I wanted to live! She instructed me to make an offering to the spirits, to provide them a plate, and she provided EXACT instructions on what to offer. I am also to create an effigy of myself out of clay which will contain my nail clippings and my hair pulled from my head (luckily, yes, I still have my full head of hair.) I am to place the plate of offerings at a cross road (4 way cross) along with the effigy. Prior to leaving the effigy, I am to attach a string to it, and me, and one of my friends is to cut the string. We will be offering the goods, and effigy in an exchange of leaving me be, and we will cut the cord of this sickness. The hope will be that the negative spirits which have unknowingly been causing problems for me, will decide to enjoy the offerings, and wreak havoc on the effigy, as opposed to me. Now, all of this may seem silly to some, but let me tell you that this lady sees 60-70 people a day in her home town who come from all over, and is considered a medic in Nepal. I am going to follower her instruction, if for no other reason, than life is a trip and on occasion, Shamans provide you instructions on what to do, and I believe it is only proper to follow those instructions. The whole thing was of course a surreal dream, like, what am I doing asking for medical help? I looked around the room and from the look of things I seemed to be one of the healthiest people in the room, and yet this strange situation has manifested in my body, and at such an extreme place. But I am fighting with almost every modality that I can think of, practicing and disciplining myself every day to follow through. Because life is so fun, amazing, beautiful, etc. I am in awe of all that lies in our path when we simply give in and flow with what is asked of us. Aside from a few aches and pains, my butt of course, due to treatment, I feel amazing, healthy, strong, determined. How could this strong feeling body be plagued by such a detrimental disease, which is so deadly? I just can't figure it out. It's as if that part just doesn't make sense anymore. It doesn't make sense, its a word I don't even like using, and my mind will continue to keep me strong despite my illness, the strong medication they drive into me every two weeks for three days. Oh man, is life a blessing. If I am to ever get out of this situation, and be declared "free and clear" it will be the most blessed day of my life. I want to live, I want to live, I want to live and for a solid week out of two, I am living as if nothing every happened, and for that I must continue to be grateful for. My friends, continue to be open to what comes your way, continue to be in awe of whatever it is, sickness included, and LIVE WELL!

forever

Today I was told that the good news was that everything was continuing to shrink, but that cancer is smart, and colon cancer is even smarter than traditional cancer - I was told that the chances are high that chemo would be an inevitable treatment that would last the rest of my life. I have non-resectable, multiple lesion (and by multiple I mean upwards of 30 lesions) colon cancer which has metastasized all throughout my liver. I was told that breaks would be an option. I.E. a nine month break would not be out of the question. This is accomplished by continued bi-weekly trips to the doctor where blood is monitored and continued scans every 2-4 months. That the moment they see a significant increase is size and amount of the tumors, they would likely want to start up again with treatment. The thought of a break sounds fun to me, though even that my doctor says doesn't necessarily make one feel better. He said, sometimes people don't feel better on a 'break.' I believe I would feel better, but at this point, while it's "working" a break is not a good option. He still holds out some sort of olive branch of a possibility that the lesions on one side shrink enough to resect half of the liver, thus leaving a clean 2nd half remaining, and IF that amazing feat was reached, there would be the small possibility of the metastasized blood not forming cancer again. However minute that chance is, this is what I am looking at as a best case scenario, though realistically looking at the number of lesions currently in my liver, that is a long shot. Ok, so what to do with news like this? Fight like you've never fought before, keep seeking alternative answers, those stories of people who have been able to clear lesions out of their liver through juicing and alternative therapies which aid in the body's natural ability. I don't know much, and I know less about cancer, but I know there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes that solution means growing old and dying, sometimes it means time is up. I have had an amazing ride. I've traveled to many countries. I've enjoyed the company of many women. I've loved harder than I can possibly imagine loving. I've seen the birth of a beautiful and amazing baby boy. I've always followed my heart and lived my way. Maybe this is why. Maybe all the hours not sitting in an office serving the needs of someone else were so that I could have those extra moments living a life of passion. I've met some great characters all of whom have an intensity that drew me into their life. Prior to this diagnosis, life was like one fun giant movie. I had no idea this type of bleak reality would ever hit me, or a person like me, who thought with so much optimism. I've done what I though the universe was asking of me, and now it's asking me to be strong, to keep fighting, searching for new information, new doctors, and people who have lived to see the other side of this devastating reality. Ok, I can fight, but what, aside from a beautiful sunset, and a bird flying, am I fighting for? When the chips are stacked this heavily against you, when a future looks grim, and the the possibility of a non-future, even more so, what is there to fight for? This I don't know, I don't know what and I don't believe an answer exists. What are we doing here, truly? I used to think that we were here to enjoy, multiply, and enjoy some more. I think for many, that is their destiny, and then they die in their sleep after making love to their lover. I guess for me, there is a guiding force in this world that speaks to us at all moments through day and night. It communicates what it is we are supposed to do. By not suppressing it with drugs and alcohol, and other negative thoughts, we are able to understand what that message is. By tuning in and paying attention to it's message, and following it's directive, we will be taking our place in a natural environment that is supposed to work in harmony no different that any other living organism or creature of this earth and beyond. It is my humble opinion that we are here to serve the needs of this planet, whatever is asked of us. In any given moment that may be assisting a spouse with the groceries, or an old person down a curb. At the moment, I am being asked to fight for my life. I was not asked to prepare my last will and testimony, and I was not asked to get my documents in order. I was asked to hold on, that the future will most definitely be bumpy, filled with unknowns, the possibility of stronger chemo agents that will make me loose my hair, more weight, etc. and at that point in time I will ask the universe to provide me with an answer as to the best path to go down. That is then, and then, is not now. So I won't worry about the future, and will instead focusing on now, which will include procuring flowers for my lovely girlfriend who has selflessly sat through all of this day in and day out, with the confidence that we will 100% get through this and live a wonderful life together. How someone can hear the same news I heard today, and still have a smile, a confidence in her look, and such compassion and love in her heart, as to not even flinch, is beyond me. I do know however, that right now, I am being asked to love back in return, and allow the healing energy of such love to work it's magic on my body. Because for now, things are shrinking, the cancer dying, the medication working. For now, this is the reality, and for now, I must embrace the good news. This is what now and NOWS are all about. Looking over at what you DO have, and thanking your lucky stars for it. This will not end with some sort of happy closing as many of my posts do. Sometimes, things just end. Whereas yesterday I had extreme optimism and will to fight whatever battle ahead, today my doctor shot me with a dose of reality, and I'm still trying to figure out how to manage such reality with only 34 years experience. And since my mind and body can't at this moment even contemplate or understand what I could have done to have have gotten myself into a situation seemingly so grave and so mind-blowing as to almost seem like a surreal dream, I have no words or smart way of ending this blog other than to say and focus on what is now, and now is great, the world exciting, the day beautiful. I'm hearing some beautiful music playing in the living room which is calling me to listen to it, to be still, to quiet my mind. Goodnight - Live now, LIVE WELL!

Told you about the gold...

"It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times..."

Attendance at the Longevity Conference this last weekend was a continued eye opener in regard to the number of tools we have on hand to promote wellness.  There is more information, more ways to stay healthy, more ingredients and methods, and strong ones at that, to sustain our bodies, fuel them, and work them out than ever before.  If you have an ailment, there is no limit to the number of cures or at least a preventive ways to keep pain away.   The old days of drinking wheat-grass and soaking beans and getting a little yoga in as the only mechanisms of health, are over. Think of Moore's law, but apply it to health.  Things are changing rapidly in both western and non-tradition medicine.   Now you can eat cheesecake, rejoice in chocolate, cool off with an ice cream all while feeding your body the ingredients required to stay healthy and provide the highest chance of not getting sick.   On one hand we are being bombarded by EMF's, toxic food, and economic stresses, and on the other hand, the knowledge and wisdom is available to combat those negatives like never before.  Super foods, elixir tonics, hormone rejuvenation are just a small portion of the technologies that are coming to light in a big way as having the power to provide for an amazingly healthy life.  It's great how much information about the human body and the ingredients that work best with it are out there and it's not just the hippies anymore who are tuned in.  World famous doctors, scientist and Chinese medicine teachers are all part of this new world of information.  People with major followings both in the medical and general population are now discussing the true benefits of following a healthy protocol and they take it very seriously because the bad toxic stuff which we are being bombarded with is much more serious than ever before.  The issue at hand, and the reason I reference the above quote is that I am starting to learn so much that it is starting to become difficult to walk into the western doctors lab and have them inject me with chemo, as I did today.   Here I am for the past three days learning new, cutting edge alternative health technologies, and now walking in to the doctor to administer chemo.  And the more I learn, the more strength I feel that I can, regardless of the statistics, start to take control of my own medicine, life, and what goes into my body.  Make no mistake about it, if I had any other circumstance in the world, including heart disease, I would do just that.  The problem and issue and decision I have now, is a big one, and a grave one if the wrong choice is made.  There could be no greater choice.  There could be no greater reason to make the right decision.  Many a strong man/woman, have thought they knew the ropes, that their body could heal itself, that they could go at it with a more natural approach, and have met their end due to this sense of self assurance (and my western doctor makes no small bones about it in telling me this.)  So here I am left with a choice, that could be the most major decision I have ever made, and will ever make in my entire life.  This ain't betting on the market, or making a career change, this choice  is the one that could change it all and provide me ultimate freedom, or I suppose, in many ways, ultimate ultimate freedom.  Does a choice have to be made.  Perhaps not at this exact moment, but after six months, the time is nearing, and a decision will eventually have to be made.  So how do we make these decisions in life which are game changers?  How do we know when we know vs. when we think we know.  I can tell you right now, despite the knowledge that I have, I am far from confident enough to make 'the' decision which could change it all.  Because yes, I do believe in my body's natural ability to heal itself but for now I must continue to stick to this western treatment despite the risk of further inhibiting my immune systems chance at ever being able to provide the necessary healing information necessary to fully recover.  The statistics are grim in any case, but how many people learned what i am learning, and actually applied them? Unfortunately, there are no statistics there.  And no doctor on either side of the isle (at least none that i have found thus far) is truly willing to commit to one way or another.  But I can tell you that a decision will be made soon.  Because the  information is there, the testimonials exist, the proof is in the pudding, and the immune boosters and natural fighting mechanisms have never  been so strong in both statistics and strength, yet with this today I am hooked into, prepared for the next three days of pain, headache, constipation, fighting to stay healthy, young vital, as I always have thus far and plan on continuing regardless of the choice I make.  In the end, as with all choices, it will be mine and mine alone to make.   And thus, it is the best of times, and it is the worst of times!  For now I must fight on both fronts  - keeping my immune system as high as possible with the supplements and super-foods that I am now aware of (things like Macha, Cacoa, algae, colostrum, asparagus, reishi mushrooms, selenium, chocolate, coniferous vegetables like broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, etc, nuts like cashews), and I can say "man if only I knew then what I know now" but the truth is I wouldn't know now unless in the position that I am in. But you do know now, and you can make the decision to put off the 30 seconds of pleasure you get from eating that piece of sugar ladened cake in exchange for some cashew nut butter spread over a delicious apple, and you can make the choice to skip the burger and go for the salmon filled with amazing cancer fighting omega 3's, or to supplement omega 3's with Krill oil as opposed to standard fish oil in that it absorbs in the system way better, you can put down that soy latte and never pick it up again once you realize that the hormone ratio in a cup of soy milk is the equivalent of taking 3 birth control pills, and I am certain I don't have to discuss modern day cow milk to you, and instead down some ginseng tea.  How wonderful it must be to be you, to make these decisions NOW, before you hear bad news, to add another 10-20 years on to the time table of you going to the gym and being in awesome shape.  So if all of this is new to you, or you believe you eat a healthy diet, do better, start off buying some Goji berry's at the local health food market, and start eating those amazing super fruits because what I didn't realize is that eating right is also eating the best tasting.  The health food industry is catching up in regard to taste and they are beating the old establishment at their own game.  It's fantastic, it's wonderful, and if I had to have what I have, at least I have it now, when there are so many amazing options out there and the future is so bright in this arena.  Oh yea, in regard to finances, look at it this way, you can now focus on what is truly important which is NOT work, but rather your friends and family, those who will take care of you when your time comes to be sick, and it wouldn't hurt to buy silver and gold either.  Not sure what will happen to the dollar or any other nations currency, but I do now know the power of  precious metals, and their importance in almost all areas of life.  Go out, dig a hole under your house, place a large safe there, and put gold and silver in it, then hug your family, drink pure spring water, and eat organic fruits and veggies with the piece of mind that you have everything you ever need right next to you.   If you are reading this still, thank you, my many thanks to you for your continued prayers which are helping me get through this and know that I am likewise praying for you back.  If you want to do more than prayer, than feel free to email with any amazing alternative doctors you know of with proven track records and cures in regard to combining western and alternative medicine.  I will likewise continue to provide more information on health, wealth, and tips I am learning in this ever changing world where the strong who are willing to move, groove, and adapt, have the highest chance of survival.  We can do it, and do it well, if we continue to learn, stay open, and pass along important information to our friends and loved ones for their pallet to sift through and see if it resonates.  In an information age where we are constantly being bombarded, it is the testimony of the trusted advisors and/or sifting mechanisms which will hold the power in community and inside family's.  Don't be afraid to pass worthwhile, important information to your friends and loved ones, we need it now more than ever, stay connected, tuned in, watchful, and sift out the important stuff.  Wishing you peace, love, happiness and the wealth of family and good friends. Go out there, make smart decisions, and LIVE WELL! 

 

TIFF

In an interesting twist of events, I happened upon attending the Toronto Film Festival this weekend in hopes of re-igniting the fire of passion I once shared of cinema and the movie going/making experience. Upon arrival at Royal York Fiarmont I knew this was going to be a different festival experience than those of past. Yes, the typical Hollywood, LA attitude was abound in full affect, filled with PR people discussing, or more like announcing to the world, the details of the next party they were to attend, and CAA agents chattering like high school students about their clients next meeting, stars, filmmakers, wanabee's, investors all mulling, and while it all could be compared as very childish compared to "real world" issues that some people are facing, I felt utterly, and peacefully at home, realizing for the first time that all of us were playing a game, putting on our film face, having fun, and that all of us would have to return home at some point, to deal with those real world problems that face every human being. For the first time, the "emptiness" of Hollywood didn't feel empty at all. Because I knew now that behind the chatter of the PR person, was a woman, wanting love, and behind the teenage sounding diologue of the agents in the elevator was a middle aged grey haired converse wearing man who may have a child at home with special needs or a mother fielding a serious illness. While I don't wish any harm to anyone, I am now able to see the human condition for what it is, with eyes of sympathy, as a difficult struggle at times, filled with inner conflicts, outer frontiers to fight, and I was prepared to go into this festival with an open heart, an open mind to look past the cliche outer image, and get deep with some people - as it was, it was the first time I was going to be dealing with a public, peers, and strangers who I have never met before, since starting treatment and feeling like a relative outcast from a society, and in looking for reality, even in a world many label as tinsel, it was reality that I received.

The first party I attended was for a film titled, "Bunraku." Unsure of how fun a film party would be without the ability to enjoy a drink and now without any motive of securing contacts or even discussing future projects in any capacity, I wondered what was attracting me to walk in with such fervor and anticipation. The drink at least used to relax the situation, and yet it also allowed me to escape it. This time, I was face to face with filmmakers and actors without my shield, raw me, one week off of treatment, a little tired, and kind of curious as to what I was doing at an event with people who had just fulfilled their dreams and were happily celebrating? What happened next was magical. Entering the room, Japan actor/musician Gackt, who I would later learn was the male Japan equivalent of Lady Gaga, captured the attention of the whole party. Walking in wearing full samurai regalia and with an entourage of 10 including one personal photographer he took photos with a few producers, investors, co-starts and then settled into an area by the door. Approaching the scene to see what all the hullabaloo was about I was instantly approached by the personal photographer who commented on my glasses with adoration and requested I take a picture with Gackt. We did, had a wonderful laugh about a few things, and I then marched over to grab a pineapple juice on the rocks - this party was going to be different I thought to myself. Within two minutes of ordering my drink a friend introduced me to a friend of hers who had just arrived from New York, having just completed her first round of chemo! What, i thought? How is this possible? What would a person fresh of chemo be doing at a film party in Toronto? Her chemo must have been the easy kind, right? Well, as it turns out, she was in a pretty intense chemo, and while her cancer was not quite as bad as mine, hers is lung, stage three, she also wasn't the least bit concerned, and told me she was going to beat it with the help of a protocal her friend had tought her who had recently cured stage 4 colon cancer... WHAT, stop the press!!! Did she just say, CURED! Yes, I asked her to get in touch with him and asked if I could contact him, the answer was yes and I look forward to speaking with him this week. Now filled with confidence and optimism, I took my pineapple juice over to the dance floor where I started dancing with a new friend. Soon enough, actor Woodie Harrelson joined us on the dance floor and we were all there, three of us, dancing to some serious 80's ditties. Harrelson was chewing on some chocolate and sensing my curiousity offered me a bite. I'm a patient I thought, what the hell! "I'm a patient" i yelled over the music. "aint nothing illegal about this chocolate, it's raw." "Where did you get it" I asked. "From that guy over there,"he pointed to a curly hair gentlemen wearing a gote and was dressed like a Sherpa, "the guru." Now I'm thinking to myself, what kind of Hollywood party is this where I am greeted by a modern day Japanese Samurai, a fellow treatment patient, the first I have had a conversation with sine I found out about this mess, and now Woodie Harrilson is introducing me to "The Guru," this I had to investigate, and investigate I did. "Woodie" calls you the 'guru' my name is Scott Wells." "David Wolfe" he says! Now just to be clear, about four separate and independent sources have told me to google David Wolfe and follow his suggestions for healing cancer, and beating the odds, naturally. Indeed this mans name is littered all over emails from friends of friends, and texts that have come in from concerned friends, relatives, etc. Without wasting time, I told him this, and told him flat out, I have cancer, and you are who I was told to listen to. He gave me a few formulas and then invited me to be a VIP guest at his two day seminar in LA. Sure enough, making good on his promise, the next day David Wolfe's personal secretary sent me an email inviting me to the seminar. Is this what happens when the fields of intention are met without numbing substance and other disruptive thoughts and interruptions. Is this what happens when fate decides to interfere? Is it really all random chance, or is there a larger plan, an outline? Did those prayers I said in temple perhaps play a roll in any of this? I don't know, nor am I trying to dramatize the little bit of hope and optimism I had/have, and while far from cured, or healed, or finished, it is nice to have hope again, not necessarily for a cure, or a sure answer, but rather the hope that perhaps life does provide us clues, puzzle pieces to choose from, hints of the way, and perhaps maybe, just maybe, I am for the first time in my life, tapping in to those hints, becoming one more step closer to living an aware life and attracting those answers and people necessary to achieve that next step, whatever and wherever it may lead. LIVE WELL

Car Wash

Four months of hardcore treatment now complete. Today was spent doing CT and PET scan (i.e. sitting inside of a tube for 20 minutes plus while a radiation symbol is going off above your head). After I went to the car wash and noticed a PEOPLE magazine with Michael Douglas on the cover. I've usually skipped over these type of articles, however today I had to take a read. CANCER, throat, 80% chance he will get through it. Wow, to have those odds, would be amazing, a god send, a gift from the heavens, an excuse to kiss the ground and count your lucky stars. 8-Weeks of chemo, and he's finished. I wish him all the best and know this is a tough battle, but it sounds as though it will be a walk in the park, perhaps a little difficult during treatment, but the knowledge that you will be out of the dark and back in action in as little as 8-weeks, with an 80% survival ratio, must be fairly comforting while doing your time. To contrast that, the odds on Colon Cancer are not as good (I won't get into details, because that's exactly what they are, but trust me they are not that good). I then made a mistake to turn to the page on Dr. Oz, and his dilemma finding a polyp during a routine colonoscopy. There was a 3-page article on him, his polyp, and the fear that had he not been checked, that polyp could have turned into cancer which could have spread to his liver and in his words, if that were the case he would "BE A GONER." Now imagine yourself in the car wash, music playing, people walking around, Hispanic workers delicately washing the vehicles, and you have exactly what DR. OZ just mentioned if he had would render him "GONER." Imagine you feel completely healthy, people say how great you look, but you know that there may be a ticking time bomb inside of you that odds show will slowly start eating your insides. Imagine there is a small possibility that treatment and a miracle may stop that clock, and you will find out of there is at least some hope, that the clock is at least partially stopped or by some grace of god and a miracle turned off completely and that tomorrow at 11:30AM you are going to find out your answer. If you can partially imagine that scenario, then you will know how I am feeling right now. And yet, I am still sitting here completely healthy, able to go for a walk on the beach, to write this note, hug a stranger, pass along a smile, send a loving email, enjoy a piece of dark chocolate, watch a movie, go to dinner, hang out with friends, watch the birds, plan a trip, read a book, and be conscious on the moment. It's interesting how consciousness both of being in the moment, and the possible presence of some afterlife or sentient being out there in the cosmos has come up for me more and more. In comparison to now, I never gave it much thought, deciding that going to temple, and being friends with the rabbi is something one does as they enter into the age group where those type of things must logically and otherwise be thought/felt out. And yet here I am forced to enter that stage now. Well here is where I am right now: I believe there is an organizing power to everything that is, one would be silly to not at least believe that. And yet, like a child knowing that people are speaking and doing things, but not understanding any of it, I am left in permanent awe of that aspect of life and afterlife, unsure, but interested, knowing that something is going on, but not understanding any of it. Finally perhaps becoming the humble fool I had always wished to become. I am humbled by my condition and would never say that I am 100% certain I will get through this. But I can say I will search for the reasons as to why, and how I can be the best I can be until that day does come, how I can learn from this, heal my soul for the possibility of the next journey, be it here or elsewhere... I can tell you one cliche but truism that is used over and over again and it never sinks in until you are in a situation like this, and that is at the end of the day, when all is said and done, truly, truly, truly, all there is, the only thing that should be, and the most important thing of all, is love. Give it, get it, send it, be it! :-)