forever

Today I was told that the good news was that everything was continuing to shrink, but that cancer is smart, and colon cancer is even smarter than traditional cancer - I was told that the chances are high that chemo would be an inevitable treatment that would last the rest of my life. I have non-resectable, multiple lesion (and by multiple I mean upwards of 30 lesions) colon cancer which has metastasized all throughout my liver. I was told that breaks would be an option. I.E. a nine month break would not be out of the question. This is accomplished by continued bi-weekly trips to the doctor where blood is monitored and continued scans every 2-4 months. That the moment they see a significant increase is size and amount of the tumors, they would likely want to start up again with treatment. The thought of a break sounds fun to me, though even that my doctor says doesn't necessarily make one feel better. He said, sometimes people don't feel better on a 'break.' I believe I would feel better, but at this point, while it's "working" a break is not a good option. He still holds out some sort of olive branch of a possibility that the lesions on one side shrink enough to resect half of the liver, thus leaving a clean 2nd half remaining, and IF that amazing feat was reached, there would be the small possibility of the metastasized blood not forming cancer again. However minute that chance is, this is what I am looking at as a best case scenario, though realistically looking at the number of lesions currently in my liver, that is a long shot. Ok, so what to do with news like this? Fight like you've never fought before, keep seeking alternative answers, those stories of people who have been able to clear lesions out of their liver through juicing and alternative therapies which aid in the body's natural ability. I don't know much, and I know less about cancer, but I know there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes that solution means growing old and dying, sometimes it means time is up. I have had an amazing ride. I've traveled to many countries. I've enjoyed the company of many women. I've loved harder than I can possibly imagine loving. I've seen the birth of a beautiful and amazing baby boy. I've always followed my heart and lived my way. Maybe this is why. Maybe all the hours not sitting in an office serving the needs of someone else were so that I could have those extra moments living a life of passion. I've met some great characters all of whom have an intensity that drew me into their life. Prior to this diagnosis, life was like one fun giant movie. I had no idea this type of bleak reality would ever hit me, or a person like me, who thought with so much optimism. I've done what I though the universe was asking of me, and now it's asking me to be strong, to keep fighting, searching for new information, new doctors, and people who have lived to see the other side of this devastating reality. Ok, I can fight, but what, aside from a beautiful sunset, and a bird flying, am I fighting for? When the chips are stacked this heavily against you, when a future looks grim, and the the possibility of a non-future, even more so, what is there to fight for? This I don't know, I don't know what and I don't believe an answer exists. What are we doing here, truly? I used to think that we were here to enjoy, multiply, and enjoy some more. I think for many, that is their destiny, and then they die in their sleep after making love to their lover. I guess for me, there is a guiding force in this world that speaks to us at all moments through day and night. It communicates what it is we are supposed to do. By not suppressing it with drugs and alcohol, and other negative thoughts, we are able to understand what that message is. By tuning in and paying attention to it's message, and following it's directive, we will be taking our place in a natural environment that is supposed to work in harmony no different that any other living organism or creature of this earth and beyond. It is my humble opinion that we are here to serve the needs of this planet, whatever is asked of us. In any given moment that may be assisting a spouse with the groceries, or an old person down a curb. At the moment, I am being asked to fight for my life. I was not asked to prepare my last will and testimony, and I was not asked to get my documents in order. I was asked to hold on, that the future will most definitely be bumpy, filled with unknowns, the possibility of stronger chemo agents that will make me loose my hair, more weight, etc. and at that point in time I will ask the universe to provide me with an answer as to the best path to go down. That is then, and then, is not now. So I won't worry about the future, and will instead focusing on now, which will include procuring flowers for my lovely girlfriend who has selflessly sat through all of this day in and day out, with the confidence that we will 100% get through this and live a wonderful life together. How someone can hear the same news I heard today, and still have a smile, a confidence in her look, and such compassion and love in her heart, as to not even flinch, is beyond me. I do know however, that right now, I am being asked to love back in return, and allow the healing energy of such love to work it's magic on my body. Because for now, things are shrinking, the cancer dying, the medication working. For now, this is the reality, and for now, I must embrace the good news. This is what now and NOWS are all about. Looking over at what you DO have, and thanking your lucky stars for it. This will not end with some sort of happy closing as many of my posts do. Sometimes, things just end. Whereas yesterday I had extreme optimism and will to fight whatever battle ahead, today my doctor shot me with a dose of reality, and I'm still trying to figure out how to manage such reality with only 34 years experience. And since my mind and body can't at this moment even contemplate or understand what I could have done to have have gotten myself into a situation seemingly so grave and so mind-blowing as to almost seem like a surreal dream, I have no words or smart way of ending this blog other than to say and focus on what is now, and now is great, the world exciting, the day beautiful. I'm hearing some beautiful music playing in the living room which is calling me to listen to it, to be still, to quiet my mind. Goodnight - Live now, LIVE WELL!